Hot celebrities I can't fantasize about.

I know a lot of people like to picture themselves in sexual situations with famous people. Like me for instance. Sometimes there is trouble. Some famous women, no matter how much they project a "I want you, personally, to fuck me right now look" in movies or magazines, no matter how much I, personally, would like to tear off their diaphanous movie-star photo-shoot gowns and lick their . . .

Excuse me. No matter how good some women look, there is something about them that so invariably derails my sexual fantasies about them that I honestly just don't bother. The following is an itemized list. It is also an objectified list.

-Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman is fucking hot. She's got that flame-red hair and that smoldering gaze--you just know she'd be a hellcat in the sack. Unfortunately, she's also got those frail babybird arms. I am fairly certain that I could snap Nicole Kidman's arms and legs like toothpicks. I am not the kind of guy that gets off on that sort of thing. Every time I try to follow a Nicole Kidman sex fantasy through to the end, there is a bonerkilling detour through "shit, that would probably really hurt her"-land, and once I found myself in an extended reverie about proper first aid techniques.

-Michelle Pfeiffer. First, I was watching MTV several years ago and they had a segment on with Jon Bon Jovi proclaiming "If I could have any wish it would be Michelle Pfeiffer! Just once!" Now, I'm not a caveman when it comes to my women. I don't expect total sexual purity. I can handle that no woman that I have ever fucked was a virgin. But if you picture Jon Bon Jovi with his hair metal guinea hands on any woman you've even considered touching and you don't immediately cast about for a bus ticket to Jersey and a straight razor, then you are not a man.

-Sherilyn Fenn is probably best known for her role as good/bad girl Audrey Horne on David Lynch's Twin Peaks TV show. What is not as well known, indeed, what was totally unknown to me until I was helping out at my parents', sorting old pictures, is that she looks exactly like my grandmother circa 1944.

-Louise Brooks. Louise Brooks is probably the hottest woman ever photographed, and it doesn't hurt that some of those photographs show her bare-ass naked. Unfortunately those pictures were taken in 1922. That's hard not to think about, particularly when you are looking at those pictures. Then you remember that she was born in 1906. If she were alive right now, I don't think she'd be all that hot. Not even cougar-hot.